Why Does Mick Jagger Have So Much Swagger? - By Charlie Spink

Mick Jagger, the undisputed King of Swagger

                There are a lot of crazy things going on in the world today. Between the police brutality riots going nation-wide, the Ebola Virus and Bill Cosby losing his bar-tending license, there is always something scandalous going on in the headlines.  While our state is going through quite a drought when it comes to drinking water, there has definitely been no shortage of scandalous things to talk about around the water cooler (there are always extra gallons of good gossip).  

                Which is why I was so shocked last week when a co-worker asked me such a dated, non-topical question about the world that we live in.  The other day a young lady at work asked me, “Charlie, Why do people always rhyme swagger with Mick Jagger?”

                To which I responded “Why the hell would you rhyme swagger with anything other than Mick Jagger? Mick is one of the world’s leading exporters of swagger… so it’s only right that we mention swagger and Jagger in the same breath as often as possible. Just ask Ke$ha, she’ll never steer you wrong, unless of course she’s actually steering the wheel of an automobile, then you really shouldn’t trust that drunk-driving fame-whore).”

                Then this loony-lady asked me “Why does this Mick Jagger have so much swagger anyways?” Now on the surface there are a few very short and simple answers that should suffice:

#1) He is the lead singer of one of the world’s most successful rock bands.

#2) He’s been laid more than the world’s biggest basket of eggs.

And

#3) He’s super freaking rich.

                Those are all really legitimate reasons for Mr. Jagger to have an over-abundance of swagger… but when asked why Mick Jagger has so much swagger I prefer to take a less orthodox approach…. I think that one of the reasons that Jagger has so much swagger is because every time he goes to McDonald’s (or as he pronounces it, “Mick’s Donald’s”) he thinks that everything on the menu is named after him.

                I can just see Mick walking through the front door of any Golden Arches location and telling the cashier… (Note: This bit only works when it’s done in a ridiculously over-the-top sloppy British accent and each line is followed by a series of jerky, Mick movements).

Mick (to Cashier)

Hey everybody! It’s great to be here at me most favorite restaurant, Mick’s Donald’s. You know it’s the most popular fast food chain in the world and Keith had nothing to do with it. 

Cashier

Uhhh…?

Mick

Alright, I wanna start off by getting the meal named after me balls (pronounced as bowls) you know? The Mick Nuggets (Throws in some funky gyrations and sings out) you gotta dip’em in the sauce, you know… dip’em in the sauce!

Cashier

(Confused) Okay sir, would you like something to wash that down with?

Mick

I’d like that ice creamy thing/drink that was named after my refreshing on stage energy. 

Cashier

Which one?

                 
Mick

The Mick flurry! Because I’m just a furious flurry when I hit the stage (followed by even more jerky moves). 

Cashier

Okay so I’ve got one order of “Mick” nuggets...

Mick

Yeah 

Cashier

And one “Mick-flurry”?

Mick

Of course… 

Cashier

And will that be all for you? 

Mick

Shit, I’m not sure… maybe I’m in the mood for some breakfast food. Perhaps I should order the item named after my theoretical vagina, in the event that I even want to have a sex change.

Cashier

You mean...? 

Mick

That’s right, a mick muffin 

Cashier

Okay so one Mick-Muffin. 

Mick

What do you know about cloning? 

Cashier

Cloning?

Mick

Yeah, Cloning.

Cashier

I don’t know, why? 

Mick

‘Cause I was thinking of getting one of those sandwiches that’s named after my clone. The “Mick” double. If I had a clone and I hadn’t seen him in a while I’d say (in the tune of the Stone’s classic “Miss you”) “Hey Mick I miss you!”

Cashier

Okay so one order of Mick Nuggets, a Mick-Flurry, and Mick-Muffin, and a Mick-Double

Mick

Yeah 

Cashier

That’ll be $14.85.

(Mick hands the money “Here you go!” The cashier gives him a receipt.) 

Cashier

Here you go, you’re order number 1 and if you go online you can fill out the Customer Satisfaction Survey.

Mick

I can’t get no Satisfaction...survey mate.  My internet is down.

Cashier

That’s okay, maybe next time.  Have a great day.

Mick

Cheers!

END SCENE

                Seriously, Mick Jagger has become synonymous with swagger for one reason and one reason alone HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF.  Confidence is the kindling ember that sparks each and every inferno of swag.  Like a man who has mastered the art of War, Mick has used obscene amounts of self-confidence to take all of his weaknesses and turn them into strengths.

                Mick has been an awkward-looking son of a gun for the 6 decades that he’s been in the public eye.  His eyes look like they are bored of hanging out with the rest of his face, his over-sized lips look like they’re a pink blow-up raft that has been deflating unevenly since the early 60’s and he’s got the body of a gangly 14 year old girl (minus the pubescent-budding breasts).  But he’s carried himself in such a way that has made him sexy to half-a-dozen generations of women.

                The man can’t dance.  I’m not breaking any new ground here.  But Mr. Jagger’s geriatric gyrations (which have often been likened to watching a chicken go-through an electric fence) have been mistaken as sexy since Queen Elizabeth II was bangable.  Why?  Because the confidence that  pours out of his pores is so apparent when he’s lost in the moment that now, when the Stones’ music in on, the whole world wants to have the “Moves Like Jagger.”

                Success always starts from within.  And Mick has been the perfect example of the Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am”…sexy. Every great man (and woman throughout history had to believe in themselves before others would believe in them.  Even Jesus Christ was born a Jew.  How did Jesus convert to Christianity?  He believed in himself that’s how.

                So I’m not saying that confidence in ourselves by itself will save our state from drought, teach police some manners, or get Bill Cosby to stop giving women roofie-infused Jell-o shots.  However, if success is predicated by swag then it is definitely a great place to start. 

                It’s not the money, or the fame or the walk of shame that makes Mick Jagger the master of swagger. It’s the fact that Mick believes in himself, and he does so with such conviction that we all believe in him as well.  That is the definition of a great leading man. 

    Some of you may think that this strategy only applies to Rock and Roll and not to life as a whole.  To you I say “I know it’s only Rock and Roll, but I like It.”

    #Swag.