Here I am with the future Kings of Comedy. Xavier (left) & Quentin (right)
At the tender
respective ages of 5-years-old and 1-and-a-half-year-old, it appears that both
of my sons are going to be following in their father’s (point to myself)
footsteps (point to my feet). That’s right, both of my boys seem destined to be
comedy legends (or at least eternal open mic-ers like their old man).
Despite the fact that
his vocabulary only consists of a dozen words, my 18-month-old son, Quentin,
has composed and performed his first “knock-knock” joke. Yes sir, Quentin isn’t quite potty-trained
yet, but he knows and understands the basic structure of a “knock-knock” joke.
For those of you who
are either new to the English language or have been just smiling and nodding
all of these years trying to figure out why that chicken crossed that road, let
me break down the basic structure of a “knock-knock” joke for you.
This is a
semi-conversational set-piece, meaning that two people are needed to perform
the bit. For the sake of being alphabetical we will refer to these people as PERSON
A and PERSON B (or if you’re an Asian parent it would be pronounced as PERSON A
and PERSON ANYTHING LESS THAN AN A WOULD BE UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE AND WOULD
BRING DISHONOR AND SHAME TO THE FAMILY NAME).
Now person A gets the
ball rolling, they start the joke, deliver the joke, deliver the set-up, and
then finish with the punchline. They bear all of the responsibility of whether
or not the joke is funny. PERSON A has lines that change all the time, they
deliver the set-up and punchline, while PERSPON B’s lines remain the same, no
matter what. They are souly the straight-man/woman in this scenario (or to be
more accurate in the world of comedy, they are the straight-man or gay woman
#ThereAreHellaDykesAtOpenMics).
Here is a bare-bones
diagram of the formula for a “knock-knock” joke. A script if you will.
INTERIOR SHOT/EXTERIOR SHOT
TWO PEOPLE, SEEMINGLY FRIENDS, KNOWN AS PERSON A AND PERSON B
ARE STANDING ON EITHER SIDE OF THE SAME DOOR. PERSON A is on the outside of the
door, while PERSON B is on the inside of the door.
PERSON A approaches the door and, instead of just knocking like
a normal person, they decide to narrate their actions like a psychopath
instead.
PERSON A
Knock-knock
PERSON B
(Stands up
from a seated position and approaches the door while asking) Whose there?
PERSON A
Name(any
name)
PERSON B
(Seeming to
not recognize the given name) Name who?
PERSON A
Name…
further elaborated on for comedic effect.
Then PERSON B opens up the door for PERSON A, and in a perfect
world they simultaneously hit each other in the face with a banana cream pie.
END SCENE
That’s just an
out-line. Here is that formula in action (Note: I wrote this “knock-knock” joke
when I was 15 years old, and in the 15 years since I have written it, this has
remained my favorite “knock-knock” joke that has been written by a Spink man…
that is until my boys got into the business). Here’s mine.
PERSON A
Knock-knock!
PERSON B
Who’s
there?
PERSON A
The Jews
PERSON B
The Jews
who?
PERSON A
The Jews
who start all wars and run Hollywood and our banks with their greedy little,
money grubbing, Christ killing hands.
END SCENE
Yep, that joke really
kills on the Gaza strip.
So that was my
favorite “knock-knock” joke, until my 18-month-old son, Quentin, hit the stage
and started a knock-knockin’ on the door of the comedy scene. This was word for
word his very first “knock-knock” joke. Remember he is playing PERSON A in this
piece so he has the hefty responsibility of starting the joke, delivering a
name, and then elaborating on that name.
Here it is…
QUENTIN
Knock-knock
PERSON B
Who’s
there?
QUENTIN
Me!
PERSON B
Me who?
QUENTIN
Quentin!
END SCENE
I know, I know, it’s
freaking adorable right? And while it may sound really simple, the joke does
meet all of the minimum requirements, of a “knock-knock” joke. He said, “knock-knock”,
gave his name, and then elaborated on it in a funny way.
Now stand-up comedy is
a fiercely competitive field where funny people push each other to be funnier
and funnier every day. The result of this competitive nature is an art form
that is cut-throat and ever evolving. After-all, the only thing that comedians
want to hear more than the sound of laughter is the phrase, “you are the best
at making me expel the sound of laughter!” (which may be awkwardly phrased but
hey it’s what those narcissistic, A-hole comedians want to hear. I should know,
because I am one of them.)
Anyways, my 5-year-old
son, Xavier, heard the laugh that his baby brother got with his “knock-knock”
joke. Then in the true competitive since of both stand-up comedy and
brotherhood, Xavier not only came up with his own “knock-knock” joke, but he
created his own revolutionary hybrid which combined two previously unlinked
genres of jokes.
Here was Xavier’s
response to Quentin’s joke. He said, “Daddy, you know I have a new “knock-knock”
joke too!”
To which I said, “Okay
Xavier, you’re on.” That’s when he dropped this gem on me.
XAVIER
Knock-knock
PERSON B
Who’s
there?
XAVIER
Me
PERSON B
Me who?
XAVIER
Me… (long
dramatic pause) IN YOUR MOM!
*Followed by the type of “OHHH!” that is usually reserved for
anytime a white person dunks a basketball in a gym full of black people.
END SCENE
Xavier, in his pre-pubescent
comic genesis, seamlessly weaved together two popular genres of jokes. He took
the “knock-knock” joke and put it together with the “yo-momma” joke in a way
that was ballsier than anything that I’ve ever written. You have to remember
that I am his father, so my momma is his grandmother. Sure I’ve made fun of my
mom, dad, sisters, wife, and mother-in-law in jokes… but in this joke Xavier
metaphorically violates his own grandma for a laugh. Now that’s hardcore. That’s
further than I could ever go (even in the world of comedy I’ve always kept
things completely platonic between my grandmother and I).
Which is exactly what
I want for my children, no not the part about them getting intimate with their
grandparents, that would be gross and wrong on many different social, moral and
biological levels. What I want is for my
kids is to go further in art and life than I have gone. It’s my job as a parent
and mentor to provide them with the love, support, and tools needed to do
whatever they want with their lives. So that when opportunity knock-knocks on
their door they’ll be able to open that door and proudly throw a pie in
opportunities face.
Here’s a joke for the
industry.
Knock-knock
Who’s
there?
The Spink
boys...
The Spink
boys who?
The Spink
boys who are gonna knock ‘em dead!
I love comedy and I
love my boys, and that’s no joke.
END SCENE
