“Hallmark is my Homeboy” Planning a New Year’s Worth of B-day Presents - By Charlie Spink

This is an artist's rendition of me as a Mexican Version of Baby New Year (Despite the fact that I am neither Latino, a baby or in that good of shape).  Thank you to Lilly Flynn for the image & have a Mucho Grande Happy New Year.  

Note: I’m posting this tonight instead of tomorrow morning because hopefully I’ll be too hung-over in the morning to write a coherent “New Year’s” column on New Year’s Day.  So let’s just pretend that we’ve taken a ride in a cheap, short-range Time Machine and that it is already January 1^st. Thank you and enjoy.

Happy New Year everybody!  I don’t mean to blow your buzz (or prolong your hangover). I’m sure that many of you are still clearing confetti out of your coffee, but I’ve got some bad news for you.

 

After splurging on your loved ones this holiday season you now face the daunting task of planning a year’s worth of birthday presents.  As if this wasn’t challenging enough, you have to do-so on a college budget during a nationwide financial crisis.

 

What to buy, what to buy? There is always the Dollar Tree.  While a handful of Americans were getting trampled on their way to the door-buster deals at Target and Best Buy, I spent my Thanksgiving night in a sleeping bag camping out in front of the Dollar Tree.  

Did it pay off?  Well, once Black Friday rolled around I was first in line at the Dollar Tree and everything I bought my friends and family only cost me a dollar.  So who’s the sucker now?

What if you’re loved ones are not fans of Dollar Tree merchandise?  I mean there are only so many bottles of generic dishwashing fluid, boxes of paper plates, and Holy Bibles that one man can stand (it is true, they have a whole bunch of Bibles at the Dollar Tree. However, they are pretty plain…if you want to get the autographed copies then you have to go to the Vatican).

 

In these rugged economic times there are a few sensible solutions to the present problem of presents.  Solution number one: Lose all of your friends.  The fewer friends that you have, the fewer you will have to buy for. Solution number two: kill your entire family.  

            Unfortunately, both of these plans are incredibly flawed.  If one was to carry out the first of these proposed solutions then the money that they would save could not help them avoid the loneliness of a friendless year.  And if one was to carry out the second proposition then they would have to use all of their saved gift-money on legal fees (ask the Menendez Boys… murdering your family isn’t cheap).  

Luckily I’ve devised a solution that is both cost-effective and legal.  Taking a page out of the book of Mr. Hallmark himself I am going to spend the New Year making hand-made birthday cards for all of my family, friends, and close associates.

            Since the majority of my buddies are of college age,(because I’m that 30 year old guy who is still convinced that he is a cool college kid despite dropping out nearly a decade ago) I thought that as my gift to society I would let you (the reader) use the following inscriptions on homemade cards of your own.  Many times we are unsure of the exact age of our pals. However, we can often narrow things down to the 18-21 age range.  

Therefore, each card will contain the following preface. 

“I don’t really know you all that well, so today you may be turning any of the following ages: 18, 19, 20, or 21.  So I thought that I would prepare for anything. So please circle the birthday that applies. Thank You.”

Happy 18^th - Congratulations, now you are legally old enough to join the military and smoke.   Although, I wouldn’t suggest that you part take in either activity.  Both activities are particularly bad for your health and smoking even makes you smell funny.

Happy 19^th – Now you can, well...there really is nothing special about being 19.  But hey, enjoy it anyways.  You only get to be 19 once (unless you believe in reincarnation). 

Happy 20^th – Woo hoo! You’re 20! You have reached a new decade to live through.  Congratulations on not dying yet.  Now that you are in your 20’s you are officially no longer a teenager.  What does this mean?  Well, eventually you’re going to have to stop asking your parents for money.  This is most likely the decade during which you will graduate and become a grown-up. 

Or...

Happy 21^st – The law now sees you as a full-blown adult.  Now you can drink and gamble.  The 21^st year comes with both great power and great responsibility.  Be careful with your budding alcoholism and try not to get drunk and lose your tuition in a game of cards.

Just couple any of the aforementioned quotes with a random picture of something rustic and ambiguous, then bam...you’ve got yourself a homemade Hallmark. Now you’ve got all-the-more money to spend on those overpriced textbooks.    

Now I know what you’re thinking “Charlie, what if I have friends that are over 21? What should I get them for their birthdays?”

     To you I say that if you do have friends that are over 21 years old then...don’t.  That’s right don’t have friends that are over 21, they are past their partying prime and they are absolutely no fun anymore (take it from me, I am the king of the club). These folks are way over the hill and don’t require any birthday presents.  At this point in their lives presents are just more things that they’ll have to divide in their wills. 

     If you really have to give an old person (aged 21 and above) an actual present then just give them a gift card for something that they might need in heaven.  Like say a coupon for a free wing-massage, or half-off on white robe dry cleaning or a gift certificate for free harp lessons (which can come in quite handy when you’re jamming in the great beyond). 

It doesn’t matter what your economic situation in 2015, just use a little bit of creativity, think young and you’ll be living the dream. May your year be full of gifts and great people (young and old) to share them with.