Putting the “F” back into the “ARTS” (FARTS)
My Blurbs For A Book About Breaking Wind
By Charlie Spink
This
morning at the airport I walked by a newsstand and I saw the cover of a new
book that really cracked me up.
On the
top shelf of a kiosk that featured trusted news periodicals like the New York
Times, The San Francisco Chronicle and US Weekly, I saw it sitting there filed
between a copy of the new James Patterson novel and a copy of the teen cancer
romance, “The Fault in Our Stars”.
There
it was, a book that was going to be my best friend for the three and a half
hour flight from San Francisco to Dallas/Fort Worth. It’s title “Farts: A
Spotters Guide” by Crai S Bower.
Now
usually you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but the cover of this book
featured a drawing of an old granny breaking wind. This image’s mission was to
make each passer-by take one look and then laugh their ass off. Mission Accomplished.
So after one look at that cover I made the judgment that this book would be
both hilarious and accurate.
Because
let’s face it, that image tells no lies. The fact that it is utterly hilarious
to a passer-by when an old lady farts is truer than 98% of the things that you’ll
find on Wikipedia.com. The image is practically a documentary unto itself and
it is by default the best documentary that I’ve ever seen. Sorry Al Gore, but
that’s the inconvenient truth.
I don’t
want to give away too much about what happens in the book because I’m really
hoping that you’ll all run out to your nearest airport and pick up a copy of
your very own. But I would like to throw
this idea out into the universe and hopefully Mr. Crai S. Bower, the wordsmith
behind the manuscript, will hear this plea and take note.
Mr.
Bower, if you decide to write a sequel to your book “Farts: A Spotters Guide”
then can you please, please, PLEASE let me write one of the blurbs on the back
of the book? It would be my sincere pleasure to help you out with that.
Here
are a few of my rough ideas. I could go with…
“Buy this book, it’s a real gas!”
Or,
“This book is so good that you won’t want to blame it on the
dog, you’ll want all the credit for yourself.”
Or maybe,
“Smells like a winner!”
Or simply,
“This book stinks so good!”
Or perhaps,
“Cuts to the chase when it comes to cutting the cheese.”
Or I could go with…
“The facts on these pages are silent but deadly.”
I guess that the perfect blurb for
a book about farts would be loud enough to get everybody’s attention, but then
also strong enough that where the blurb will linger with the reader long after
it’s been read.
My favorite blurb idea is…
“If you haven’t read this book, then you don’t know shit
about farts.”
Did
that last one stink? You bet your ass it
did. And I’m very proud of it.
