Charlie Spink about 1989
In the
overly competitive world of modern academia, we find ourselves as parents
continually pressuring our children to absorb more and more knowledge at
increasingly younger and younger ages. It is as if most modern educators won’t
be happy until we have fetuses quoting Faulkner. (There has to be a great
infant-inspired Faulkner parody in there somewhere, perhaps, “As I Lay
Crying”.)
Anyways,
my son has recently started Kindergarten at a Private Catholic School and on
his syllabus it says that he’ll be taking bi-weekly spelling tests. First off,
I’ve got a problem with them using the word syllabus to describe a 5 year old's
work load. Most of these kids still have to sit in a children’s car seat when
they ride to school. Let’s just call it a schedule, shall we?
At
their age, 5 years old's should only be using the phrase “Silly Bus” when
describing the short yellow vehicle that takes the retarded children to school
in the morning. (I’m kidding of course, it is after-all a private Catholic
School so there are no retarded children, they all get turned away because
Jesus obviously doesn’t love them. If he did then he wouldn’t have made them
all retarded.)
On top
of the unnecessary use of multi-syllabic words in their Kinder-itinerary, I’m
not a big fan of forcing “bi”-weekly spelling test on these kids. I’m not into
forcing “bi” anything on children (even if they are already “curious”). All of
that experimenting with “bi” things should be reserved for the first couple
semesters of college.
We are
expecting too much, too soon from these kids. Kindergarteners should be
learning their ABC’s before being asked to put those letters together in action
immediately. Learn the letters, sing the song, and get back to me later.
Personally,
I think that the words “Kindergarten” and “Spelling Test” should never be used
together in the same sentence. Unless of course you’re giving a kid the Genius
Test. What’s the Genius Test you ask? It’s simple: You take a Kindergarten and
ask them if they know how to spell Kindergarten (not Kindergarden, which is how 98.6% of us spell and say it anyways).
If
you’re in Kindergarten and you can properly spell Kindergarten then, guess
what? You’re a freaking genius! Once you’ve passed the Genius Test then you get
to skip all the way up to the 5th grade, no further questions asked.
#OverAchiever
