“Hallmark is my Homeboy” Planning a New Year’s Worth of B-day Presents - By Charlie Spink

This is an artist's rendition of me as a Mexican Version of Baby New Year (Despite the fact that I am neither Latino, a baby or in that good of shape).  Thank you to Lilly Flynn for the image & have a Mucho Grande Happy New Year.  

Note: I’m posting this tonight instead of tomorrow morning because hopefully I’ll be too hung-over in the morning to write a coherent “New Year’s” column on New Year’s Day.  So let’s just pretend that we’ve taken a ride in a cheap, short-range Time Machine and that it is already January 1^st. Thank you and enjoy.

Happy New Year everybody!  I don’t mean to blow your buzz (or prolong your hangover). I’m sure that many of you are still clearing confetti out of your coffee, but I’ve got some bad news for you.

 

After splurging on your loved ones this holiday season you now face the daunting task of planning a year’s worth of birthday presents.  As if this wasn’t challenging enough, you have to do-so on a college budget during a nationwide financial crisis.

 

What to buy, what to buy? There is always the Dollar Tree.  While a handful of Americans were getting trampled on their way to the door-buster deals at Target and Best Buy, I spent my Thanksgiving night in a sleeping bag camping out in front of the Dollar Tree.  

Did it pay off?  Well, once Black Friday rolled around I was first in line at the Dollar Tree and everything I bought my friends and family only cost me a dollar.  So who’s the sucker now?

What if you’re loved ones are not fans of Dollar Tree merchandise?  I mean there are only so many bottles of generic dishwashing fluid, boxes of paper plates, and Holy Bibles that one man can stand (it is true, they have a whole bunch of Bibles at the Dollar Tree. However, they are pretty plain…if you want to get the autographed copies then you have to go to the Vatican).

 

In these rugged economic times there are a few sensible solutions to the present problem of presents.  Solution number one: Lose all of your friends.  The fewer friends that you have, the fewer you will have to buy for. Solution number two: kill your entire family.  

            Unfortunately, both of these plans are incredibly flawed.  If one was to carry out the first of these proposed solutions then the money that they would save could not help them avoid the loneliness of a friendless year.  And if one was to carry out the second proposition then they would have to use all of their saved gift-money on legal fees (ask the Menendez Boys… murdering your family isn’t cheap).  

Luckily I’ve devised a solution that is both cost-effective and legal.  Taking a page out of the book of Mr. Hallmark himself I am going to spend the New Year making hand-made birthday cards for all of my family, friends, and close associates.

            Since the majority of my buddies are of college age,(because I’m that 30 year old guy who is still convinced that he is a cool college kid despite dropping out nearly a decade ago) I thought that as my gift to society I would let you (the reader) use the following inscriptions on homemade cards of your own.  Many times we are unsure of the exact age of our pals. However, we can often narrow things down to the 18-21 age range.  

Therefore, each card will contain the following preface. 

“I don’t really know you all that well, so today you may be turning any of the following ages: 18, 19, 20, or 21.  So I thought that I would prepare for anything. So please circle the birthday that applies. Thank You.”

Happy 18^th - Congratulations, now you are legally old enough to join the military and smoke.   Although, I wouldn’t suggest that you part take in either activity.  Both activities are particularly bad for your health and smoking even makes you smell funny.

Happy 19^th – Now you can, well...there really is nothing special about being 19.  But hey, enjoy it anyways.  You only get to be 19 once (unless you believe in reincarnation). 

Happy 20^th – Woo hoo! You’re 20! You have reached a new decade to live through.  Congratulations on not dying yet.  Now that you are in your 20’s you are officially no longer a teenager.  What does this mean?  Well, eventually you’re going to have to stop asking your parents for money.  This is most likely the decade during which you will graduate and become a grown-up. 

Or...

Happy 21^st – The law now sees you as a full-blown adult.  Now you can drink and gamble.  The 21^st year comes with both great power and great responsibility.  Be careful with your budding alcoholism and try not to get drunk and lose your tuition in a game of cards.

Just couple any of the aforementioned quotes with a random picture of something rustic and ambiguous, then bam...you’ve got yourself a homemade Hallmark. Now you’ve got all-the-more money to spend on those overpriced textbooks.    

Now I know what you’re thinking “Charlie, what if I have friends that are over 21? What should I get them for their birthdays?”

     To you I say that if you do have friends that are over 21 years old then...don’t.  That’s right don’t have friends that are over 21, they are past their partying prime and they are absolutely no fun anymore (take it from me, I am the king of the club). These folks are way over the hill and don’t require any birthday presents.  At this point in their lives presents are just more things that they’ll have to divide in their wills. 

     If you really have to give an old person (aged 21 and above) an actual present then just give them a gift card for something that they might need in heaven.  Like say a coupon for a free wing-massage, or half-off on white robe dry cleaning or a gift certificate for free harp lessons (which can come in quite handy when you’re jamming in the great beyond). 

It doesn’t matter what your economic situation in 2015, just use a little bit of creativity, think young and you’ll be living the dream. May your year be full of gifts and great people (young and old) to share them with.

“Knock-Knock! Who’s there? The Future of Comedy” - By Charlie Spink

        Here I am with the future Kings of Comedy. Xavier (left) & Quentin (right)

     At the tender respective ages of 5-years-old and 1-and-a-half-year-old, it appears that both of my sons are going to be following in their father’s (point to myself) footsteps (point to my feet). That’s right, both of my boys seem destined to be comedy legends (or at least eternal open mic-ers like their old man).

     Despite the fact that his vocabulary only consists of a dozen words, my 18-month-old son, Quentin, has composed and performed his first “knock-knock” joke.  Yes sir, Quentin isn’t quite potty-trained yet, but he knows and understands the basic structure of a “knock-knock” joke.

     For those of you who are either new to the English language or have been just smiling and nodding all of these years trying to figure out why that chicken crossed that road, let me break down the basic structure of a “knock-knock” joke for you.

     This is a semi-conversational set-piece, meaning that two people are needed to perform the bit. For the sake of being alphabetical we will refer to these people as PERSON A and PERSON B (or if you’re an Asian parent it would be pronounced as PERSON A and PERSON ANYTHING LESS THAN AN A WOULD BE UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE AND WOULD BRING DISHONOR AND SHAME TO THE FAMILY NAME).

     Now person A gets the ball rolling, they start the joke, deliver the joke, deliver the set-up, and then finish with the punchline. They bear all of the responsibility of whether or not the joke is funny. PERSON A has lines that change all the time, they deliver the set-up and punchline, while PERSPON B’s lines remain the same, no matter what. They are souly the straight-man/woman in this scenario (or to be more accurate in the world of comedy, they are the straight-man or gay woman #ThereAreHellaDykesAtOpenMics).

     Here is a bare-bones diagram of the formula for a “knock-knock” joke. A script if you will.

INTERIOR SHOT/EXTERIOR SHOT

TWO PEOPLE, SEEMINGLY FRIENDS, KNOWN AS PERSON A AND PERSON B ARE STANDING ON EITHER SIDE OF THE SAME DOOR. PERSON A is on the outside of the door, while PERSON B is on the inside of the door.

PERSON A approaches the door and, instead of just knocking like a normal person, they decide to narrate their actions like a psychopath instead.

PERSON A

Knock-knock

PERSON B

(Stands up from a seated position and approaches the door while asking) Whose there?

PERSON A

Name(any name)

PERSON B

(Seeming to not recognize the given name) Name who?

PERSON A

Name… further elaborated on for comedic effect. 

Then PERSON B opens up the door for PERSON A, and in a perfect world they simultaneously hit each other in the face with a banana cream pie.

END SCENE

     That’s just an out-line. Here is that formula in action (Note: I wrote this “knock-knock” joke when I was 15 years old, and in the 15 years since I have written it, this has remained my favorite “knock-knock” joke that has been written by a Spink man… that is until my boys got into the business). Here’s mine.

PERSON A

Knock-knock!

PERSON B

Who’s there?

PERSON A

The Jews

PERSON B

The Jews who?

PERSON A

The Jews who start all wars and run Hollywood and our banks with their greedy little, money grubbing, Christ killing hands.

END SCENE

     Yep, that joke really kills on the Gaza strip.

     So that was my favorite “knock-knock” joke, until my 18-month-old son, Quentin, hit the stage and started a knock-knockin’ on the door of the comedy scene. This was word for word his very first “knock-knock” joke. Remember he is playing PERSON A in this piece so he has the hefty responsibility of starting the joke, delivering a name, and then elaborating on that name.

     Here it is…

QUENTIN

Knock-knock

PERSON B

Who’s there?

QUENTIN

Me!

PERSON B

Me who?

QUENTIN

Quentin!

END SCENE

     I know, I know, it’s freaking adorable right? And while it may sound really simple, the joke does meet all of the minimum requirements, of a “knock-knock” joke. He said, “knock-knock”, gave his name, and then elaborated on it in a funny way.

     Now stand-up comedy is a fiercely competitive field where funny people push each other to be funnier and funnier every day. The result of this competitive nature is an art form that is cut-throat and ever evolving. After-all, the only thing that comedians want to hear more than the sound of laughter is the phrase, “you are the best at making me expel the sound of laughter!” (which may be awkwardly phrased but hey it’s what those narcissistic, A-hole comedians want to hear. I should know, because I am one of them.)

     Anyways, my 5-year-old son, Xavier, heard the laugh that his baby brother got with his “knock-knock” joke. Then in the true competitive since of both stand-up comedy and brotherhood, Xavier not only came up with his own “knock-knock” joke, but he created his own revolutionary hybrid which combined two previously unlinked genres of jokes.

     Here was Xavier’s response to Quentin’s joke. He said, “Daddy, you know I have a new “knock-knock” joke too!”

     To which I said, “Okay Xavier, you’re on.” That’s when he dropped this gem on me.

XAVIER

Knock-knock

PERSON B

Who’s there?

XAVIER

Me

PERSON B

Me who?

XAVIER

Me… (long dramatic pause) IN YOUR MOM!

*Followed by the type of “OHHH!” that is usually reserved for anytime a white person dunks a basketball in a gym full of black people. 

END SCENE

     Xavier, in his pre-pubescent comic genesis, seamlessly weaved together two popular genres of jokes. He took the “knock-knock” joke and put it together with the “yo-momma” joke in a way that was ballsier than anything that I’ve ever written. You have to remember that I am his father, so my momma is his grandmother. Sure I’ve made fun of my mom, dad, sisters, wife, and mother-in-law in jokes… but in this joke Xavier metaphorically violates his own grandma for a laugh. Now that’s hardcore. That’s further than I could ever go (even in the world of comedy I’ve always kept things completely platonic between my grandmother and I).

     Which is exactly what I want for my children, no not the part about them getting intimate with their grandparents, that would be gross and wrong on many different social, moral and biological levels.  What I want is for my kids is to go further in art and life than I have gone. It’s my job as a parent and mentor to provide them with the love, support, and tools needed to do whatever they want with their lives. So that when opportunity knock-knocks on their door they’ll be able to open that door and proudly throw a pie in opportunities face.

     Here’s a joke for the industry.

Knock-knock

Who’s there?

The Spink boys...

The Spink boys who?

The Spink boys who are gonna knock ‘em dead!

     I love comedy and I love my boys, and that’s no joke.

END SCENE

Why Does Mick Jagger Have So Much Swagger? - By Charlie Spink

Mick Jagger, the undisputed King of Swagger

                There are a lot of crazy things going on in the world today. Between the police brutality riots going nation-wide, the Ebola Virus and Bill Cosby losing his bar-tending license, there is always something scandalous going on in the headlines.  While our state is going through quite a drought when it comes to drinking water, there has definitely been no shortage of scandalous things to talk about around the water cooler (there are always extra gallons of good gossip).  

                Which is why I was so shocked last week when a co-worker asked me such a dated, non-topical question about the world that we live in.  The other day a young lady at work asked me, “Charlie, Why do people always rhyme swagger with Mick Jagger?”

                To which I responded “Why the hell would you rhyme swagger with anything other than Mick Jagger? Mick is one of the world’s leading exporters of swagger… so it’s only right that we mention swagger and Jagger in the same breath as often as possible. Just ask Ke$ha, she’ll never steer you wrong, unless of course she’s actually steering the wheel of an automobile, then you really shouldn’t trust that drunk-driving fame-whore).”

                Then this loony-lady asked me “Why does this Mick Jagger have so much swagger anyways?” Now on the surface there are a few very short and simple answers that should suffice:

#1) He is the lead singer of one of the world’s most successful rock bands.

#2) He’s been laid more than the world’s biggest basket of eggs.

And

#3) He’s super freaking rich.

                Those are all really legitimate reasons for Mr. Jagger to have an over-abundance of swagger… but when asked why Mick Jagger has so much swagger I prefer to take a less orthodox approach…. I think that one of the reasons that Jagger has so much swagger is because every time he goes to McDonald’s (or as he pronounces it, “Mick’s Donald’s”) he thinks that everything on the menu is named after him.

                I can just see Mick walking through the front door of any Golden Arches location and telling the cashier… (Note: This bit only works when it’s done in a ridiculously over-the-top sloppy British accent and each line is followed by a series of jerky, Mick movements).

Mick (to Cashier)

Hey everybody! It’s great to be here at me most favorite restaurant, Mick’s Donald’s. You know it’s the most popular fast food chain in the world and Keith had nothing to do with it. 

Cashier

Uhhh…?

Mick

Alright, I wanna start off by getting the meal named after me balls (pronounced as bowls) you know? The Mick Nuggets (Throws in some funky gyrations and sings out) you gotta dip’em in the sauce, you know… dip’em in the sauce!

Cashier

(Confused) Okay sir, would you like something to wash that down with?

Mick

I’d like that ice creamy thing/drink that was named after my refreshing on stage energy. 

Cashier

Which one?

                 
Mick

The Mick flurry! Because I’m just a furious flurry when I hit the stage (followed by even more jerky moves). 

Cashier

Okay so I’ve got one order of “Mick” nuggets...

Mick

Yeah 

Cashier

And one “Mick-flurry”?

Mick

Of course… 

Cashier

And will that be all for you? 

Mick

Shit, I’m not sure… maybe I’m in the mood for some breakfast food. Perhaps I should order the item named after my theoretical vagina, in the event that I even want to have a sex change.

Cashier

You mean...? 

Mick

That’s right, a mick muffin 

Cashier

Okay so one Mick-Muffin. 

Mick

What do you know about cloning? 

Cashier

Cloning?

Mick

Yeah, Cloning.

Cashier

I don’t know, why? 

Mick

‘Cause I was thinking of getting one of those sandwiches that’s named after my clone. The “Mick” double. If I had a clone and I hadn’t seen him in a while I’d say (in the tune of the Stone’s classic “Miss you”) “Hey Mick I miss you!”

Cashier

Okay so one order of Mick Nuggets, a Mick-Flurry, and Mick-Muffin, and a Mick-Double

Mick

Yeah 

Cashier

That’ll be $14.85.

(Mick hands the money “Here you go!” The cashier gives him a receipt.) 

Cashier

Here you go, you’re order number 1 and if you go online you can fill out the Customer Satisfaction Survey.

Mick

I can’t get no Satisfaction...survey mate.  My internet is down.

Cashier

That’s okay, maybe next time.  Have a great day.

Mick

Cheers!

END SCENE

                Seriously, Mick Jagger has become synonymous with swagger for one reason and one reason alone HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF.  Confidence is the kindling ember that sparks each and every inferno of swag.  Like a man who has mastered the art of War, Mick has used obscene amounts of self-confidence to take all of his weaknesses and turn them into strengths.

                Mick has been an awkward-looking son of a gun for the 6 decades that he’s been in the public eye.  His eyes look like they are bored of hanging out with the rest of his face, his over-sized lips look like they’re a pink blow-up raft that has been deflating unevenly since the early 60’s and he’s got the body of a gangly 14 year old girl (minus the pubescent-budding breasts).  But he’s carried himself in such a way that has made him sexy to half-a-dozen generations of women.

                The man can’t dance.  I’m not breaking any new ground here.  But Mr. Jagger’s geriatric gyrations (which have often been likened to watching a chicken go-through an electric fence) have been mistaken as sexy since Queen Elizabeth II was bangable.  Why?  Because the confidence that  pours out of his pores is so apparent when he’s lost in the moment that now, when the Stones’ music in on, the whole world wants to have the “Moves Like Jagger.”

                Success always starts from within.  And Mick has been the perfect example of the Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am”…sexy. Every great man (and woman throughout history had to believe in themselves before others would believe in them.  Even Jesus Christ was born a Jew.  How did Jesus convert to Christianity?  He believed in himself that’s how.

                So I’m not saying that confidence in ourselves by itself will save our state from drought, teach police some manners, or get Bill Cosby to stop giving women roofie-infused Jell-o shots.  However, if success is predicated by swag then it is definitely a great place to start. 

                It’s not the money, or the fame or the walk of shame that makes Mick Jagger the master of swagger. It’s the fact that Mick believes in himself, and he does so with such conviction that we all believe in him as well.  That is the definition of a great leading man. 

    Some of you may think that this strategy only applies to Rock and Roll and not to life as a whole.  To you I say “I know it’s only Rock and Roll, but I like It.”

    #Swag.