Saturday, January 31, 2015

Which Disney Dame Would You Do??? -By Charlie Spink



                            "Helllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ladies!!!"

Tomorrow is the big game and by now we’re all sick of the story that’s been hogging up the headlines all week.  And by that of course I mean the news that Disney has just officially announced that their next Princess will be Hispanic. 

Sure this may not have been the top story on ESPN or ABC, they were too busy talking about Deflate-gate 2015, but the story did get an awful lot of run on the Disney Channel and Fox News.  The Disney Channel was running stories celebrating the new diversity of their royal animated Kingdom, while Fox News focused more on the fact that these Latina Princesses are now taking the jobs of hard-working American born Princesses.  

The new Princess will be named Elena of Avalor and she will be a 16 year old Hispanic girl.  Disney has not yet released how many kids she is supposed to have had by age 16, but Las Vegas has put the over/under at 2.5.

The news of this development reminded me of a game that me and my pre-teen buddies used to play called “Who would you rather? The Disney Princesses Edition” which was just a communal conversation that discussed the merits of sleeping with all of the various Animated Disney Princesses (assuming that they were real). In the end we realized that we’d probably have relations with all of them because we were all horny little bastards who didn’t yet have a real solid grasp on the female anatomy.

The following piece borrows heavily from those discussions.    
   
"Which Disney Dame Would You Do?"
By: Charlie Spink

    A good Disney movie is a lot like herpes; once you've been exposed to it, it sticks with you for life.  Although the disease and its cinematic equivalent make you get all sensitive in different areas, both are powerful forces tugging on the male mind. After-all, this age (our mid-20’s/early 30') is where we bridge the ideal promised land of our youth (dreamy Disney) to the harsh wasteland that is the real world (the herpes, or a herpie if you only have one, non-pluralized sore).

    This leads us to one of the most popular questions on the minds of young men, "If you were going to hook-up with a Disney Princess, who would it be and why?" Or as Humphrey Bogart might ask, "Which Disney Dame would you do?"

    The question in itself is quite the “head-scratcher”. Each Disney Princess offers an alluring assortment of original fetishes and fantasies forged into their character. The problem here is not finding one that would be able to satisfy your heart, soul, and genitals. Rather, what we're trying to discover is who could give you, as an individual the happiest "happy ending."

    Let’s go in loose chronological order starting with the earliest animated arousers and work forward towards today’s most contemporary crayon-drawn (or CGI) cuties. Nearly three quarters of a century ago, Snow White was the first Disney “doll-face” to steal our hearts and give us a stump in our slacks.  In the fetish department Snow White is like a Starbucks location; she's all over the map.

    At a time when tanning salons were frowned upon, Snow was dubbed, "The fairest of them all." If you are into albino babes, then Ms. White (or Mrs. White-Charming as she was known after her marriage to Prince Charming) is the Princess for you. But her sexual eccentricities don't stop there my friend!

    Here are some other tid-bits that run through a man's mind while he's slaying the dragon to thoughts of Ms. White.  Snow White lived in a cottage with Seven Dwarfs, and yes, she is definitely into little people, especially bearded ones who are significantly older than she is. This takes care of not only those who have a little(big) thing for little people, but also those of us who are looking for a much younger woman.  The fact that Snow White is so willing to stick strange foreign objects in her mouth (like poison apples) is a major plus. Another aspect of her angelic allure is her focus on pleasing her man. Snow White's theme song "Some Day My Prince Will Come" is very telling.  We know that this woman can not only "whistle while she works” around the house, but that she also "whistles while she works" her Prince in efforts to make him come. Snow White is not only a freak, but this shows(proves) that she has “wifey” potential.

    If you're into the freaky stuff, then Snow White is the cartoon for you. She is a pigmentally-challenged, midget-loving, man-pleasing type of gal.

    Next in line, we have Princess Aurora who goes by the street name of “Sleeping Beauty”.  It has been scientifically proven that blondes do have more fun, so Ms. Beauty's golden locks are one of her key selling points. At the moment of romantic climax in her story, Prince Phillip kisses Aurora when she is asleep in a grave state, making her look very dead.  The fact that Sleeping Beauty spends so much time sleeping makes her a good candidate for any necrophilia-enthusiast.  If you dig dead, blonde chicks (or dig them up and then dig into them) then Sleeping Beauty is your sick dream come true.

    However, unlike the situation with Snow White, there are some major drawbacks to an intimate relationship with this Princess. Sleeping Beauty was a hypochondriac.  In the animated biopic based on her life, the only scene that features the Princess making contact with a prick, shows her bleeding excessively and then passing out.  I know that I wouldn't want to be with a woman who would bleed heavily and pass out every-time I wanted to “storm her castle”.

    Princess Aurora’s good looks and volume infused hair are vastly overshadowed by her fear of the prick and deadpan style in bed.  Princes who want to liven up their love life should steer clear.

    From fragile flower back to freak we come across Cinderella. As we are all well-aware, Cinderella lost her father at a young age and was verbally abused by her stepmother and evil stepsisters.  This means one thing; she's got issues and she's got a nasty streak.  Her experiences scrubbing floors and doing chores combined with her history of being verbally bashed leads one to believe that she likes to get dirty and talk dirty while she is at it.  Cinderella could fulfill all of your dirty housekeeping whore fantasies.

    But the clock of her freakiness has not run out yet, possibly the most scandalous slice of her sexuality is that she is foot-fetish accessible. Cinderella's prince is so turned on by his lady’s tasty toes that he literally turns the whole kingdom upside-down looking for the girl who fills that glass slipper. Most girls would be a little freaked out by a Prince with a foot fetish, but in the original story the whole reason why Cindy dons these glass duds is because her fairy godmother knows that the Prince is a royal pedafetishist and that’s where the two connected.

    If you dream of bathing feet, then this Cindy is your freak.

    From washing a girl’s feet to secrets of the deep, Ariel of The Little Mermaid fame would be many a man's pick for where to stick his trident. Why would I want to go "under her sea?" Well, on paper (and on land) she is the perfect woman. Put yourself in Prince Eric's shoes, you've got this gorgeous red head that loves you so much that she is willing to give up her family, her gills, and even her voice just to be all up on your jock.  It's ideal, because of Ursula’s spell you have this loving girl who is totally into you, and the bitch can't talk back.  Never would she be able to mutter, "I think we need to talk..." or "Stop watching the game and go raise these kids." Even if she was able to nag you through the use of sign language, you could just fake blind and she'd have to be sensitive to your disability. After all, she is handicapped as well.

    In the intimate sense, I would want Ariel to be “Part of My World”, based solely upon the kinky crazy bathtub sex that we could have. Just imagine the scenario of mermaids in the bathtub; the possibilities are as deep and limitless as the oceans from which she hails.

    Yet, with this Little Mermaid comes a couple of big problems. Namely, Ariel has crabs! Not just crabs, but also lobsters, turtles, and blow fish as well. I wouldn't want to have to worry about Sebastian getting mad and trying to snap off my electric eel.  Another problem with Ariel would have to be her smell. As a former Mermaid, more than just Ariel’s submarine cave has to smell like fish all of the time, and that’s just gross.  Her cave should already smell like fish, any other body part with a similar stench is just excessive.

    All in all, Ariel is like a math lesson taught to second graders; there are both pluses and minuses.  The next Disney doll however, has more negative signs than stop-sign outlet store.

    If Snow White were to ask a magic mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is the nastiest Disney Diva of us all?" The mirror would not hesitate before replying, "That Belle is one crazy French B-word!" Yes Belle, A.K.A. the "Beauty" from Beauty and the Beast puts all other Disney dames to shame when it comes to having adventurous relations. Mainly, because Belle is into Bestiality, or in her case 'The Beast..iality.' She's into biting, scratching, and even into sticking talking lamps in parts of the castle where there really aren't supposed to be any fires. If you aren't too fond of shaving or brushing your teeth, and prefer a girl who would rather bone a wolf than a strapping young man like Guston, then Belle should ring beautiful music into your ears and into your pants. "Be our guest" to get all up in her yellow dress.

     There are a couple of other Disney Princesses that I wouldn’t even consider getting with due to technicalities, so I will lump them into the same category.  These lovely ladies are Pocahontas and Mulan. 

Now Pocahontas has that Native flavor that I’d like to savor.  However, I think that my white guilt would prevent me from wanting to “paint her with all the colors of my wind.”  If we were to head back to her teepee after a pow-wow I would feel too guilty about what my people have done to her people to be able to properly function sexually.  Plus a white man screwing a Native American is such a stereotype and as you could probably tell while reading this piece…I don’t like to limit myself to stereotypes (#sarcasm).  Also, I wouldn’t want to get between the sheets with a naughty Native because I’d be too afraid that her blankets were infected with small pocks.
     Then there’s Mulan.  Now anybody that knows me knows that I’m a big proponent of white guys getting it on with Asian girls.  Hell, I’ve had a case of Yellow Fever since I had a crush on Tracy Oshiro in 2nd grade.  My first kiss, first date, my first real girlfriend and my first real heart-brake were all with Asian girls.  Even my lovely wife, the love of my life is half-Asian.  However, I just can’t see myself going for Mulan. Why?  Because this lady is a cross-dresser and I’m just not into the whole gender confusion thing. Would I want to get with a girl who likes to dress as a man? Confucius say “Hell to the no!”

    Our list concludes with the most exotic and, arguably the most physically attractive Princess in the bunch: Princess Jasmine.  If you want a whiff of a Middle Eastern Flower, then Princess Jasmine is the fragrance for you. While some cartoonaholics love to slide their hardwood across as surface that's...well, as smooth as hardwood, Jasmine is a throwback to a simpler time.  She has a magic carpet and she's not afraid to let you ride it.  Many think that the fact that so many are able to fit on her magic carpet at once (amongst them her lover, his genie, his monkey, and even her father, all at the same time) is a major turn-off.  But hey, with all that experience and legroom, she could really "Show you a Whole New World." Princess Jasmine is also known to have a ferocious pet tiger. With all the time that she spends with that wild pussy you'd expect hers to be less than tame.

    So what's holding Jasmine back? Sadly she does a lot of running off at of the mouth, and nobody here wants to hear to that.  The only phrases a man ever really wants to hear out of a woman are, "Dinners ready" "I love you" and "I swallow." Princess Jasmine is also very high maintenance. She needs parades thrown in her honor, wears a gang of jewelry, and has romantic needs that can't be covered by a single rose and a Hallmark card.  Not to mention that with her closeness to Abu (Aladdin’s monkey) she might give you something worse than Herpes, she could give you the AIDS. Scientists say that the disease started when humans started relating to monkeys, and her and Abu have often appeared to be more than "just friends."

    In the words of Jiminy Cricket, let your conscience be your guide. When push comes to shove, each Disney Princess has her Pros and Cons of why you two should or shouldn't get it on.  As young men sitting on the doorstep of maturity, we sometimes drowned our innocent childhood joys with our adult urges.  I hope I have encouraged you guys out there to go out and bridge the gap between future and past; just go down to your local RedBox and rent one these classics and consider the question, "Which Disney Dame Would I Do?" Reminisce and may you and your perversions live “happily ever after.”