Tomorrow is the big game and by now we’re all sick of the story
that’s been hogging up the headlines all week.
And by that of course I mean the news that Disney has just officially
announced that their next Princess will be Hispanic.
Sure this may not have been the top
story on ESPN or ABC, they were too busy talking about Deflate-gate 2015, but
the story did get an awful lot of run on the Disney Channel and Fox News. The Disney Channel was running stories celebrating
the new diversity of their royal animated Kingdom, while Fox News focused more
on the fact that these Latina Princesses are now taking the jobs of
hard-working American born Princesses.
The new Princess will be named Elena
of Avalor and she will be a 16 year old Hispanic girl. Disney has not yet released how many kids she
is supposed to have had by age 16, but Las Vegas has put the over/under at 2.5.
The news of this development reminded
me of a game that me and my pre-teen buddies used to play called “Who would you
rather? The Disney Princesses Edition” which was just a communal conversation
that discussed the merits of sleeping with all of the various Animated Disney
Princesses (assuming that they were real). In the end we realized that we’d
probably have relations with all of them because we were all horny little
bastards who didn’t yet have a real solid grasp on the female anatomy.
The following piece borrows heavily
from those discussions.
"Which
Disney
Dame Would You Do?"
By: Charlie Spink
A good
Disney movie is a lot like herpes; once you've been exposed to it, it sticks
with you for life. Although the disease and its cinematic equivalent make
you get all sensitive in different areas, both are powerful forces tugging on
the male mind. After-all, this age (our mid-20’s/early 30') is where we
bridge the ideal promised land of our youth (dreamy Disney) to the harsh
wasteland that is the real world (the herpes, or a herpie if you only have one,
non-pluralized sore).
This
leads us to one of the most popular questions on the minds of young men,
"If you were going to hook-up with a Disney Princess, who would it be and
why?" Or as Humphrey Bogart might ask, "Which Disney Dame would you
do?"
The
question in itself is quite the “head-scratcher”. Each Disney Princess offers
an alluring assortment of original fetishes and fantasies forged into their
character. The problem here is not finding one that would be able to satisfy
your heart, soul, and genitals. Rather, what we're trying to discover is who
could give you, as an individual the happiest "happy ending."
Let’s go
in loose chronological order starting with the earliest animated arousers and
work forward towards today’s most contemporary crayon-drawn (or CGI) cuties.
Nearly three quarters of a century ago, Snow White was the first Disney “doll-face”
to steal our hearts and give us a stump in our slacks. In the fetish
department Snow White is like a Starbucks location; she's all over the map.
At a
time when tanning salons were frowned upon, Snow was dubbed, "The fairest
of them all." If you are into albino babes, then Ms. White (or Mrs.
White-Charming as she was known after her marriage to Prince Charming) is the
Princess for you. But her sexual eccentricities don't stop there my friend!
Here are
some other tid-bits that run through a man's mind while he's slaying the dragon
to thoughts of Ms. White. Snow White lived in a cottage with Seven
Dwarfs, and yes, she is definitely into little people, especially bearded ones
who are significantly older than she is. This takes care of not only those who
have a little(big) thing for little people, but also those of us who are
looking for a much younger woman. The fact that Snow White is so willing
to stick strange foreign objects in her mouth (like poison apples) is a major
plus. Another aspect of her angelic allure is her focus on pleasing her man.
Snow White's theme song "Some Day My Prince Will Come" is very
telling. We know that this woman can not only "whistle while she
works” around the house, but that she also "whistles while she works"
her Prince in efforts to make him come. Snow White is not only a freak, but
this shows(proves) that she has “wifey” potential.
If you're
into the freaky stuff, then Snow White is the cartoon for you. She is a
pigmentally-challenged, midget-loving, man-pleasing type of gal.
Next in
line, we have Princess Aurora who goes by the street name of “Sleeping Beauty”.
It has been scientifically proven that blondes do have more fun, so Ms.
Beauty's golden locks are one of her key selling points. At the moment of
romantic climax in her story, Prince Phillip kisses Aurora when she is asleep
in a grave state, making her look very dead. The fact that Sleeping
Beauty spends so much time sleeping makes her a good candidate for any
necrophilia-enthusiast. If you dig dead, blonde chicks (or dig them up
and then dig into them) then Sleeping Beauty is your sick dream come true.
However,
unlike the situation with Snow White, there are some major drawbacks to an
intimate relationship with this Princess. Sleeping Beauty was a hypochondriac.
In the animated biopic based on her life, the only scene that features
the Princess making contact with a prick, shows her bleeding excessively and
then passing out. I know that I wouldn't want to be with a woman who
would bleed heavily and pass out every-time I wanted to “storm her castle”.
Princess
Aurora’s good looks and volume infused hair are vastly overshadowed by her fear
of the prick and deadpan style in bed. Princes who want to liven up their
love life should steer clear.
From
fragile flower back to freak we come across Cinderella. As we are all
well-aware, Cinderella lost her father at a young age and was verbally abused
by her stepmother and evil stepsisters. This means one thing; she's got
issues and she's got a nasty streak. Her experiences scrubbing floors and
doing chores combined with her history of being verbally bashed leads one to
believe that she likes to get dirty and talk dirty while she is at it.
Cinderella could fulfill all of your dirty housekeeping whore fantasies.
But the
clock of her freakiness has not run out yet, possibly the most scandalous slice
of her sexuality is that she is foot-fetish accessible. Cinderella's prince is
so turned on by his lady’s tasty toes that he literally turns the whole kingdom
upside-down looking for the girl who fills that glass slipper. Most girls would
be a little freaked out by a Prince with a foot fetish, but in the original
story the whole reason why Cindy dons these glass duds is because her fairy
godmother knows that the Prince is a royal pedafetishist and that’s where the
two connected.
If you
dream of bathing feet, then this Cindy is your freak.
From
washing a girl’s feet to secrets of the deep, Ariel of The Little Mermaid fame would be many a man's pick for where to
stick his trident. Why would I want to go "under her sea?" Well, on
paper (and on land) she is the perfect woman. Put yourself in Prince Eric's
shoes, you've got this gorgeous red head that loves you so much that she is
willing to give up her family, her gills, and even her voice just to be all up
on your jock. It's ideal, because of Ursula’s spell you have this loving
girl who is totally into you, and the bitch can't talk back. Never would
she be able to mutter, "I think we need to talk..." or "Stop
watching the game and go raise these kids." Even if she was able to nag you
through the use of sign language, you could just fake blind and she'd have to
be sensitive to your disability. After all, she is handicapped as well.
In the
intimate sense, I would want Ariel to be “Part of My World”, based solely upon
the kinky crazy bathtub sex that we could have. Just imagine the scenario of
mermaids in the bathtub; the possibilities are as deep and limitless as the
oceans from which she hails.
Yet,
with this Little Mermaid comes a couple of big problems. Namely, Ariel has
crabs! Not just crabs, but also lobsters, turtles, and blow fish as well. I
wouldn't want to have to worry about Sebastian getting mad and trying to snap
off my electric eel. Another problem with Ariel would have to be her
smell. As a former Mermaid, more than just Ariel’s submarine cave has to smell
like fish all of the time, and that’s just gross. Her cave should already
smell like fish, any other body part with a similar stench is just excessive.
All in
all, Ariel is like a math lesson taught to second graders; there are both
pluses and minuses. The next Disney doll however, has more negative signs
than stop-sign outlet store.
If Snow
White were to ask a magic mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is the
nastiest Disney Diva of us all?" The mirror would not hesitate before
replying, "That Belle is one crazy French B-word!" Yes Belle, A.K.A.
the "Beauty" from Beauty and
the Beast puts all other Disney dames to shame when it comes to having
adventurous relations. Mainly, because Belle is into Bestiality, or in her case
'The Beast..iality.' She's into biting, scratching, and even into sticking
talking lamps in parts of the castle where there really aren't supposed to be any
fires. If you aren't too fond of shaving or brushing your teeth, and prefer a
girl who would rather bone a wolf than a strapping young man like Guston, then
Belle should ring beautiful music into your ears and into your pants. "Be
our guest" to get all up in her yellow dress.
There are a couple of other
Disney Princesses that I wouldn’t even consider getting with due to
technicalities, so I will lump them into the same category. These lovely ladies are Pocahontas and
Mulan.
Now Pocahontas has that Native flavor that I’d
like to savor. However, I think that my
white guilt would prevent me from wanting to “paint her with all the colors of
my wind.” If we were to head back to her
teepee after a pow-wow I would feel too guilty about what my people have done
to her people to be able to properly function sexually. Plus a white man screwing a Native American
is such a stereotype and as you could probably tell while reading this piece…I
don’t like to limit myself to stereotypes (#sarcasm). Also, I wouldn’t want to get between the
sheets with a naughty Native because I’d be too afraid that her blankets were infected
with small pocks.
Then there’s Mulan. Now anybody that knows me knows that I’m a
big proponent of white guys getting it on with Asian girls. Hell, I’ve had a case of Yellow Fever since I
had a crush on Tracy Oshiro in 2nd grade. My first kiss, first date, my first real girlfriend
and my first real heart-brake were all with Asian girls. Even my lovely wife, the love of my life is
half-Asian. However, I just can’t see
myself going for Mulan. Why? Because
this lady is a cross-dresser and I’m just not into the whole gender confusion
thing. Would I want to get with a girl who likes to dress as a man? Confucius
say “Hell to the no!”
Our list
concludes with the most exotic and, arguably the most physically attractive
Princess in the bunch: Princess Jasmine. If you want a whiff of a Middle
Eastern Flower, then Princess Jasmine is the fragrance for you. While some
cartoonaholics love to slide their hardwood across as surface that's...well, as
smooth as hardwood, Jasmine is a throwback to a simpler time. She has a
magic carpet and she's not afraid to let you ride it. Many think that the
fact that so many are able to fit on her magic carpet at once (amongst them her
lover, his genie, his monkey, and even her father, all at the same time) is a
major turn-off. But hey, with all that experience and legroom, she could
really "Show you a Whole New World." Princess Jasmine is also known
to have a ferocious pet tiger. With all the time that she spends with that wild
pussy you'd expect hers to be less than tame.
So
what's holding Jasmine back? Sadly she does a lot of running off at of the
mouth, and nobody here wants to hear to that. The only phrases a man ever
really wants to hear out of a woman are, "Dinners ready" "I love
you" and "I swallow." Princess Jasmine is also very high
maintenance. She needs parades thrown in her honor, wears a gang of jewelry,
and has romantic needs that can't be covered by a single rose and a
Hallmark card. Not to mention that with her closeness to Abu (Aladdin’s
monkey) she might give you something worse than Herpes, she could give you the
AIDS. Scientists say that the disease started when humans started relating to
monkeys, and her and Abu have often appeared to be more than "just
friends."
In the words of Jiminy Cricket, let your conscience be your guide. When push comes to shove, each Disney Princess has her Pros and Cons of why you two should or shouldn't get it on. As young men sitting on the doorstep of maturity, we sometimes drowned our innocent childhood joys with our adult urges. I hope I have encouraged you guys out there to go out and bridge the gap between future and past; just go down to your local RedBox and rent one these classics and consider the question, "Which Disney Dame Would I Do?" Reminisce and may you and your perversions live “happily ever after.”
