Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hold The Phone - By Charlie Spink


                As time goes on our language continues to evolve and yesterday’s catchiest catch-phrases become today’s most tired clichés. Hell, William Shakespeare and Snoop Doggy Dogg technically both spoke English, but I can’t imagine the two of them being able to carry on a conversation with how different their dialects were. (That could lead to a very amusing character, Snoop the Shakespearian Pimp. He’d have quotes like “Bitches, bitches, where for art thou bitches?”)
                Sometimes a phrase or saying is so prominent or overused that it stays in our collective vocabulary long after it’s relevant.
                My favorite current example of one sort of phrasing is the term, “hold the phone”. Back in the day when telephones were used primarily for calling people, the phrase hold the phone was used to signify something that was shocking or surprising.
                The phase, “hold the phone” was almost more of an abbreviation for “Hey there sir or madam, don’t waste those very precious, very limited phone minutes with the news that you thought you had… hold the phone and I’ll give you the skinny on some new info that’ll blow your mind. After-all, these are the olden days and if you want to get any information then the only way to get it, is to wait until tomorrow’s morning edition of the newspaper comes out. So in conclusion, hold the phone!”
                That thought was so long that you can see why you’d want to abbreviate it. It’s more of a dissertation than a declaration.
                Back then, “hold the phone” was such a strange request because people spent so little time actually holding phones. Phones were used primarily for phone calls (local only, don’t ever think about dialing long-distance. Long before credit card debt and bad home loans gained traction here in America, TOO MANY LONG DISTANCE TELEPHONE CALLS was the number one reason for bankruptcy in America).
                But now-a-days you don’t have to ask people to, “hold the phone” because we spend our whole god-damn lives holding our phones. Between sending each other emails, voicemails, tweets, texts messages, Instagram, Pinterest, and dick pics WE ARE ALWAYS HOLDING OUR PHONES.
                Telling one of today’s tech-happy teens to, “hold the phone” is like telling them to breathe oxygen… at this point it’s damn near involuntary. So with that in mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to update the phrase, “hold the phone” for today’s generation. Here it goes… from now on when you want to give someone some shocking information just say, “Put down your f*%#^ing phone!”
                Which of course is really like an abbreviated version of, “Hey young people, put down your f*%#^ing phones! Life is beautiful and you’re missing out on it!”
                Hopefully this new spin on an old phrase can get at least a couple of today’s kids to look up from their smart phones and say, “Oh my goodness, he was right. I’ve read about some of this stuff but I’ve never seen it before. It’s beautiful, the sky, the trees, the birds, the bees, we’re all living  in natures glorious tapestry unaware that we’re being weaved into… you know, I should really Tweet about this!”
                Put down your F*%#^ing phone! Please! Thank you.