The Peanut Butter Maturity Test (PB&J All Day) By: Charlie Spink

The Peanut Butter Maturity Test (#PB&J All Day)

By: Charlie Spink 

 

There are a great many ways to measure a man’s level of maturity. For starters, you could take a look at the age that appears on a driver’s license and assume that the older a man is, the more mature he’ll tend to be. 

If during that process you notice that his license is just a “STATE INDENTIFICATION CARD, TO BE USED FOR IDENTIFICATIONI PURPOSES ONLY”, then you know that the gentleman in question is probably not as mature as the age on his card suggests, because he is not mature enough to know that drinking and driving is fucking stupid.  

Loosely related: be wary of guys who overuse the term, “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number” Because fans of this phrase are not only grammatically poor, but there’s also a good chance that they are child molesters.

            Some guys aren’t a big fan of their driver’s license picture.  For their maturity test, you can take what I like to call “The Tree Approach.” The Tree Approach is where you check a man’s natural maturity the same way you’d check the age of a tree, by ring counting. 

Now there are two different ways to administer the ring-counting tree approach. Method #1: Like a tree, you can chop off a man’s penis and count the number of rings on the inside of his severed cock-flesh.  Very few men would ever approve of this transitional method (Bruce Jenner I’m looking at you). 

Or you can use the more practical, less insane method. Method #2: Count the rings on his finger. If a man is wearing a wedding ring, then he should be significantly more mature than a man who is not married. (PS: No sane married man would allow you to use method #1 on him because he would need permission from his wife to cut off his penis. And contrary to popular belief, wives don’t want to cut off their husbands penises; they just want to steal your balls. If their husbands didn’t have penises, then the wives would have nothing to ignore, which would shift the power in any marriage).

            My favorite male maturity test doesn’t involve government identification, plant-life, or marital dismemberment. Oh no, my favorite male maturity test is more of a wacky word-jumble. Here is what you do:  you write the words PEANUT BUTTER in big bold font on a piece of paper. Then you show it to a guy and when he starts to giggle out-of-control you ask him what part of words PEANUT BUTTER are making him laugh. This will give you a glimpse into the male psyche and tell you exactly which level of maturity your man falls into. There are three distinct levels of maturity.

                Level One: The Preschool Level

                A Level One Male (or preschool-level male) will look at the term…

                PEANUT BUTTER… and isolate the prefix PEA (as in urinate- I know it should be spelled PEE, but preschoolers aren’t known for being great spellers [especially public school kids who are more likely to call it piss or pre-cum]).  When a young man of limited maturity thinks about peeing, it is hysterical. Preschoolers love the potty humor, which is why “Butt” remains effective as well. Calling a 3-4 year old a Pee-Butt is a great insult, not only because it touches on the taboo subject of bowel abnormality (let’s face it people, you’re not supposed to pee out of your butt.. that’s for pooping) but also because it’s in a preschoolers comic wheelhouse.

Ladies, if your man laughs at the terms PEANUT BUTTER because of the pre-fixes of PEA and BUTT, then he himself is a pee-butt and you should leave his immature ass immediately. 

                Then, there is the next level of male maturity. Ladies and gentleman LEVEL TWO: The Elementary School Level. 

                A Level Two Male (or Elementary School-Level Male) will look at the term…

                PEANUT BUTTER and notices that the words NUT is in the middle and he’ll offer up a good hearty chuckle. Why? Because it is at this age that as men we realize that we have nuts in the middle of our being, and that’s what makes us a man.  At these Elementary School ages (Usually ages 10-12), we hold onto those nuts like they’re going out of style and we transition our methods of nut transportation. 

                As preschoolers, we wear superhero nut-huggers as if our nuts are invincible, but at this Elementary School- Level, we realize that our nuts are incredibly vulnerable, and therefore are fodder for hilarity. The ancient Greeks said that the formula for comedy is” Comedy=Tragedy + Time”, and as a young man there is nothing more tragic than getting hit in the nuts and there is nothing more hilarious than watching somebody else get hit in the nuts. When you’re an emotional Elementary Schooler, seeing the word NUT in the middle of a phrase is basically like seeing a pair of nuts just hanging there …and then you’re kicking those nuts swiftly with your eyes every time you read the word on paper.

 Ladies, if you find yourself to be dating a man who is only at Level 2 maturity, tell him to grow a pair and stop fixating on his tiny sac of marbles.

            And finally there is LEVEL THREE: The Middle School Maturity Level.

            A Level Three Male (or a male of Middle School-Maturity Level) will look at the term…

            PEANUT BUTTER, notice that it’s the combined suffix of Nut Butter, and crack-up laughing. It is at this middle school age (12-13 years old) that most young men discover they’ve got the ability to churn massive quantities of nut butter batter. And in essence, our ability to produce nut butter is our most important responsibility as men. Therefore, we never really grow out of this stage of development… it’s up to us to keep the human race going with our special brand of Nut Butter.  Sometimes it’s smooth, sometimes it’s chunky, it’s always creamy and as teenagers, we learn to churn out our own personal brand in a JIFFy.

            So ladies, if you notice that you’re in a relationship with a Level Three Man… then count your lucky stars.  That’s as good as it gets.  Peanut Butter may go bad, but a good man never will. And we can all acknowledge that Peanut Butter and Jelly is the greatest combination known to man(and Woman)kind.   Ladies you’ve got that special Jelly that every man wants. 

#PB&J AllDay.

If a man is not at Peanut Butter level, then that means that I don’t think that he’s ready for all that jelly (and if that is the case then your body is far too Bootylicious for him Baby).  

                 

-Le Fin

PS: If you didn’t laugh at all during this rant than you are way too mature to be my friend. Personally, I feel like I CRUSHED this blog and that it was simply NUTS!