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| Pacquiao or Mayweather, who was the real hero? Batman, that's who! |
Batman at
the Boxing Match
By: Charlie Spink
With
all of the hoopla surrounding the disappointing results of this month’s Mayweather-Pacquiao
fight, most television spectators over-looked one of the most monumental
moments in human history that just-so happened to be unfolding right in front
of their eyes.
Fun
Fact: The big fight at the MGM Grand
Casino was the first time that all six men who have played a live-action Batman
(including Ben Affleck who is playing the Caped Crusader in next Summer’s Batman Vs. Superman) have been seen
together in the same room.
That’s right, the “Fight of the Century” was like the light of a giant Bat-signal hanging over the Las Vegas desert night sky (which in today’s age probably wouldn’t be a Bat-shaped strobe-light, but rather a group text sent out by Commissioner Gordon saying “Calling all Batmen, calling all Batmen! C U @ da’ fight L8tr…LOL”)
If you
took a look at the fight on television you could see that there was 4 of the 6
Dark Knight’s all sitting within the first four rows. (In descending order from most recent to most
ancient) Ben Affleck, Christian Bale, George Clooney, and Michael Keaton were
all sitting ring-side, and rumor has it that both Val Kilmer and Adam West were
also at the fight, but that they just couldn’t swing such sweet seats.
I’ll
give you the catch-phrase breakdown of each Batman as I reveal their seating arrangements.
Michael Keaton was sitting closest to the action and deservedly so. Mr. Keaton’s soft-spoken, yet-authoritative whisper of “I’m Batman” in Tim Burton’s Batman, and Batman Returns set the tone for the thriving Dark Knight franchise that people of my generation have come to know and love. Without his turn as our favorite power-less superhero who knows where Batman would be today (probably having a nice drink somewhere fancy in Gotham, after-all he was the city’s most-notorious trust fund baby).
Keaton’s front-row seats let everybody know that this guy is the real Godfather of saving Gotham and that when it comes to getting a primo view of the world’s biggest fight, since he took on Jack Nicholson in the 80’s, this guy is no joker.
We all saw Keaton in the first-row, but if you took a look into the second row you’d see the star of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy, Christian Bale. This temperamental Aussie is best-known for spewing his gravely version of his catch-phrase into the terrified faces of Gotham’s goons. Come on everybody, drop your voice into it’s lowest register and say it along with me “I’M BATMAN!”
The quiet confidence of his Bruce Wayne, mixed with the regal rage of his Batman made Bale the back-bone of the greatest Superhero film series ever put together by man or bat. And Bale’s second-row tickets must have cost the former Mr. Wayne a pretty penny. It’s a good thing that the Wayne Foundation left him so much money. It’s like they always say “Thank God for dead rich parents! Right Bruce?” (It’s fine, he’s a completely well-adjusted normal guy now, except for not at all).
Also sitting in the second row, but slightly further away from the action was the current masked vigilante, Ben Affleck. He thrilled us with his powerful writing in Good Will Hunting, he charmed us with his vulnerability in Chasing Amy and in Armageddon he made us wish that the world would end already. Now Ben’s Batman film hasn’t been released yet, so the only catch-phrase that we can truly judge him on is his one-line of spoken dialogue from the Batman vs. Superman trailer.
I’m sure that most of you have already seen the clip but for those of you who haven’t, let me set the scene. Batman is fighting Superman in the rain (where most great fights happen, maybe that was the problem with the whole Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight, not enough rain in the ring). Anyways, Batman is staring down Superman while wearing a suit made of nothing but lead and kryptonite before what I’m sure is going to be an epically bad-ass fight scene. And then before striking his first blow Batman says in a raspy-yet robotic (almost villainous) tone “Do you bleed? You will.” Which is a legitimate question to ask a solar-powered semi-invulnerable-crime-fighting alien, but a terribly inappropriate question to ask his female cousin Supergirl at a certain time of the month (although I’m sure that we all have our questions of Kryptonian biology, that question when posed to Supergirl could lead to a pretty super sexual harassment law-suit.
At the beginning of the fight Ben had empty chairs on either side of him, making it look as if he had his own personal Batcave in the second row. Where was Alfred? Probably at the concession stand grabbing a soda pop and a soft pretzel for Mr. Wayne.
Back in the fourth row we had the
always dapper-looking star of Batman
Forever, the one and only Sir George Clooney. George is so well-loved the whole world over
that even the British Royal Family (Prince William and Princess Kate, the young
good-looking Royals, not those haggard, bad-teethed, inbreeding bastards that
came before them) name their first son and the future King of England after him
(hmmm, a King George, I wonder how that’s going to work out for America). George is so revered that most people have
forgotten that this legend of both the silver screen and small screen was once
a terrible Batman. While none of us can
remember any of his actual dialogue from Batman
Forever, I’m sure that the former star of ER and the Ocean’s 11
series probably said this line at some point “I’m Batman, I’m handsome, I need
40 CC’s of some Bat-Medicine and then we’re going to go steal the Mona Lisa
from the Gotham Museum of Fine Art”.
Now George’s role as the Dark Knight may have been panned by fans and critics alike, but lucky Mr. Clooney is cooler than Mr. Freeze and his career was not derailed by his super-hero snafoo. And the fact that George married Amal Alamuddin earlier this year showed us all that there just might be hope for an eternal bachelor, like Bruce Wayne, to find love and settle down with the right woman.
This leaves us left with Adam West and Val Kilmer. Adam West is TV’s original seriously sarcastic Batman from the 1960’s campy television classic, he also attended the fight, but this Batman was not known for his catchphrases. Instead of yelling out a catchphrase from the nosebleed seats, Mr. West (no relation to Kanye) just sat through the fight and yelled out, “BOOM!”, “BAM!”, and “POW!” every time that either Manny or Floyd landed a solid punch.
Last, and most certainly least, we have Val Kilmer. The reclusive actor was like Clooney in the sense that he was a “One-and-done” Batman with the god-awful mid-90’s picture “Batman and Robin”. Unlike Clooney, the former star “Willow” never really recovered from this bat bomb. The Riddler may ask you “Riddle me this, who is lumpy, bloated, and unemployed asunder after working with Chris O’Donnel) as the boy wonder?”
The answer is Val Kilmer. So where was he sitting at the fight? That’s a trick question, he was standing the whole time at a concession stand, selling churros. That’s his job now.
Yep, Val’s only catch phrase that he was using that evening was, “Would you like some bat dipping sauce with that churro?” No Gracias Val.
If television’s original Robin (Dick Ward) was still with us today, he’d probably take one look at Val and say, “Holy has-been Batman!”
I couldn’t agree with you more Boy Wonder. I couldn’t agree with you more.
So who was the real winner of "The Fight of the Century?" That's a loaded question. But in the end I suppose that it was neither Manny Pacquiao or Floyd "Money" Mayweather, but rather the audience that was the real winner of the fight, because we got to see a new Batman Reunion movie without even knowing it.
As far as who was the hero of the night, the answer to that question is simple (in the Michael Keaton-like whisper) "It's Batman."
