The Peanut Butter Maturity Test (PB&J All Day) By: Charlie Spink

The Peanut Butter Maturity Test (#PB&J All Day)

By: Charlie Spink 

 

There are a great many ways to measure a man’s level of maturity. For starters, you could take a look at the age that appears on a driver’s license and assume that the older a man is, the more mature he’ll tend to be. 

If during that process you notice that his license is just a “STATE INDENTIFICATION CARD, TO BE USED FOR IDENTIFICATIONI PURPOSES ONLY”, then you know that the gentleman in question is probably not as mature as the age on his card suggests, because he is not mature enough to know that drinking and driving is fucking stupid.  

Loosely related: be wary of guys who overuse the term, “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number” Because fans of this phrase are not only grammatically poor, but there’s also a good chance that they are child molesters.

            Some guys aren’t a big fan of their driver’s license picture.  For their maturity test, you can take what I like to call “The Tree Approach.” The Tree Approach is where you check a man’s natural maturity the same way you’d check the age of a tree, by ring counting. 

Now there are two different ways to administer the ring-counting tree approach. Method #1: Like a tree, you can chop off a man’s penis and count the number of rings on the inside of his severed cock-flesh.  Very few men would ever approve of this transitional method (Bruce Jenner I’m looking at you). 

Or you can use the more practical, less insane method. Method #2: Count the rings on his finger. If a man is wearing a wedding ring, then he should be significantly more mature than a man who is not married. (PS: No sane married man would allow you to use method #1 on him because he would need permission from his wife to cut off his penis. And contrary to popular belief, wives don’t want to cut off their husbands penises; they just want to steal your balls. If their husbands didn’t have penises, then the wives would have nothing to ignore, which would shift the power in any marriage).

            My favorite male maturity test doesn’t involve government identification, plant-life, or marital dismemberment. Oh no, my favorite male maturity test is more of a wacky word-jumble. Here is what you do:  you write the words PEANUT BUTTER in big bold font on a piece of paper. Then you show it to a guy and when he starts to giggle out-of-control you ask him what part of words PEANUT BUTTER are making him laugh. This will give you a glimpse into the male psyche and tell you exactly which level of maturity your man falls into. There are three distinct levels of maturity.

                Level One: The Preschool Level

                A Level One Male (or preschool-level male) will look at the term…

                PEANUT BUTTER… and isolate the prefix PEA (as in urinate- I know it should be spelled PEE, but preschoolers aren’t known for being great spellers [especially public school kids who are more likely to call it piss or pre-cum]).  When a young man of limited maturity thinks about peeing, it is hysterical. Preschoolers love the potty humor, which is why “Butt” remains effective as well. Calling a 3-4 year old a Pee-Butt is a great insult, not only because it touches on the taboo subject of bowel abnormality (let’s face it people, you’re not supposed to pee out of your butt.. that’s for pooping) but also because it’s in a preschoolers comic wheelhouse.

Ladies, if your man laughs at the terms PEANUT BUTTER because of the pre-fixes of PEA and BUTT, then he himself is a pee-butt and you should leave his immature ass immediately. 

                Then, there is the next level of male maturity. Ladies and gentleman LEVEL TWO: The Elementary School Level. 

                A Level Two Male (or Elementary School-Level Male) will look at the term…

                PEANUT BUTTER and notices that the words NUT is in the middle and he’ll offer up a good hearty chuckle. Why? Because it is at this age that as men we realize that we have nuts in the middle of our being, and that’s what makes us a man.  At these Elementary School ages (Usually ages 10-12), we hold onto those nuts like they’re going out of style and we transition our methods of nut transportation. 

                As preschoolers, we wear superhero nut-huggers as if our nuts are invincible, but at this Elementary School- Level, we realize that our nuts are incredibly vulnerable, and therefore are fodder for hilarity. The ancient Greeks said that the formula for comedy is” Comedy=Tragedy + Time”, and as a young man there is nothing more tragic than getting hit in the nuts and there is nothing more hilarious than watching somebody else get hit in the nuts. When you’re an emotional Elementary Schooler, seeing the word NUT in the middle of a phrase is basically like seeing a pair of nuts just hanging there …and then you’re kicking those nuts swiftly with your eyes every time you read the word on paper.

 Ladies, if you find yourself to be dating a man who is only at Level 2 maturity, tell him to grow a pair and stop fixating on his tiny sac of marbles.

            And finally there is LEVEL THREE: The Middle School Maturity Level.

            A Level Three Male (or a male of Middle School-Maturity Level) will look at the term…

            PEANUT BUTTER, notice that it’s the combined suffix of Nut Butter, and crack-up laughing. It is at this middle school age (12-13 years old) that most young men discover they’ve got the ability to churn massive quantities of nut butter batter. And in essence, our ability to produce nut butter is our most important responsibility as men. Therefore, we never really grow out of this stage of development… it’s up to us to keep the human race going with our special brand of Nut Butter.  Sometimes it’s smooth, sometimes it’s chunky, it’s always creamy and as teenagers, we learn to churn out our own personal brand in a JIFFy.

            So ladies, if you notice that you’re in a relationship with a Level Three Man… then count your lucky stars.  That’s as good as it gets.  Peanut Butter may go bad, but a good man never will. And we can all acknowledge that Peanut Butter and Jelly is the greatest combination known to man(and Woman)kind.   Ladies you’ve got that special Jelly that every man wants. 

#PB&J AllDay.

If a man is not at Peanut Butter level, then that means that I don’t think that he’s ready for all that jelly (and if that is the case then your body is far too Bootylicious for him Baby).  

                 

-Le Fin

PS: If you didn’t laugh at all during this rant than you are way too mature to be my friend. Personally, I feel like I CRUSHED this blog and that it was simply NUTS!

Throwback Thursday Column "John McCain:A Candidate for The Ages"- By: Charlie Spink

   The blatant buffoonery of our current presidential election has many of us wondering,"Were our candidates always this awful?"

   In a word, "Hell to the No!" (Note: that line should be reread in an extremely sassy voice.)

   In honor of Throwback Thursday, here is a somewhat silly/ somewhat scathing piece that I wrote about the 2008 Republican Presidential nominee, Senator John McCain. At the time (2008)I thought that McCain was a crazy old man who made poor decisions (and this was before he chose that half-mentally handicapped hussy as his running mate).

   Now with hindsight being 20/20, I realize that McCain was a courageous war hero, who wasn't afraid to cross the isle to get things done. And while I don't regret voting for President Obama in 2008, I would give my left gonad to have McCain running this time around.     

   Enjoy.

Senator McCain (Pictured above) sharing with us his stance on immigration.

 

John McCain:

“A Candidate for The Ages”

    Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain is trying to run on the platform that he is the “Man with experience.” Even if many of us young people see McCain as being out of touch, it is hard to argue the fact that he has been around the block quite a few times.  While some candidates have a lifetime of experience, McCain has had literally lifetimes of experience in elected politics.  

    Here are five fun facts that you might not have known about the elderly Senator from Arizona.

5. John McCain is the only candidate in this election to have been one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence.

4. As a matter of fact, John McCain was a member of the first Continental Congress.  Oh no, not the Continental Congress of the late 1700’s.  I’m talking about the Congress that took place thousands of years ago when all of the Continents were still connected. Yes, I'm talking about Pangea.  McCain was a member of the Pangean Senate, and all of the continents felt that he was so disagreeable that they decided to break-up and drift apart (literally and literally)

    For the record: Senator McCain (who beat out an incumbent woolly mammoth for the position) voted against evolution.  As a result, he has refused to evolve throughout his eons of existence and thus has become a fossil.

3. Senator McCain not only remembers the “good old days” he even remembers what happened before them. John also has a first-hand recollection of when there was “Peace in the Middle East.” Jesus actually was “His Homeboy.” (Who do you think wrote the book of John anyway?)

2. McCain batted lead-off and played short-stop for the 1919 Chicago White Sox. He batted .400 and that is the closest that a player has ever come to having his age and batting average match.

And the number one fact that you probably didn’t know about Senator John McCain is…

1. John McCain is the namesake for every bathroom and loveless man on the face of the Earth.  Because of what this man has accomplished on the battlefield restrooms from here to Vietnam are called, “The John.”

    Let us not forget that “Johns” are also the title given to men who employ prostitutes (possibly because calling them a “William Jefferson Clinton” was a bit too long to remember).   

    So, hate him or love him: Senator John Sidney McCain has proven to be a candidate for the ages...all of them. The Ice Age, the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages: he has lived through them all.  

    It appears that this moldy maverick is here to stay. John McCain will never die, literally.  He is immortal. He’ll be around forever, or at least until the end of time (which will be sooner rather than later if he wins the White House this November). 

Buying the Rights to Anti-Trump Sites - By: Charlie Spink

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The Adventures of Batman & Ketchup - By Charlie Spink

The Adventures of Batman & Ketchup

By Charlie Spink

A New Dynamic Duo?

                Every now and then, I get a little peek into my children’s psyche, that proves itself to be an involuntary progress report on how I’m doing as a parent.

            Today I had one such moment while I was hanging with my two-year-old son, Quentin. We had just come back from the park and I asked him, “Alright Q, what do you want to do?”

 Quentin told me “Daddy, I want to play Batman!” which sounded great to me. I’m always down to fight a little bit of crime with some tricked-out gadgets… I may not be the Daddy that Gotham wants, but I’m the Daddy that Gotham needs (Note to reader: Repeat that last line in the same kind of deeply distorted voice that Batman used in the Dark Knight trilogy.)

            So I asked Quentin, “Which one of us is going to be Batman?” I was secretly hoping that I’d get to play the caped crusader, but I knew that Quentin would probably want to call dibs on the lead role himself, and I was perfectly cool with that. 

           Quentin said, “I will be Batman, you’re my assistant.” totally acceptable. 

 I asked “Okay, so then you want me to be Robin?”

 “NOOOOOO!” he says in a tone and pitch that lets me know that even at two-years-old he is already utterly offended by my existence. He clearly didn’t think that Robin was Batman’s assistant, and I immediately thought to myself, “What kind of father doesn’t teach his two-year-old son that Robin is Batman’s assistant? THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. Not only would I be a bad Batman, I’m also a bad Daddy. I deserve to get shot down just like Bruce Wayne’s old man. That would be the only acceptable fate for me at this point.

            Then after a couple seconds of crippling comic book-related depression, I calmed the heck down. I realized that the character of Robin really hasn’t been in 4 of the last 5 Batman movies… So I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Quentin is a child of the new millennium, and new millennium Batman fans aren’t all that familiar with the Boy Wonder.

            So I regrouped and thought to myself, there is another trusty side-kick that has been prominently featured in the last few Batman films. Sure he may not kick as much ass as Robin does, but he does have a great British accent, a brilliant mind for inventions, and he really knows his way around a feather duster. I’m talking, of course, about Alfred the butler.

            I asked Q, “Oh… okay, so if you don’t want me to be Robin? Then you must want me to be Alfred? …I’ll be Alfred. (Then in a bad British accent) Good evening Master Bruce, shall I fetch you some tea, or maybe some weapons?”

            That’s when Q threw me for another loop. He said, “No Daddy!!!” sounding even more disgusted than he did the first time. At this point Q is acting like I’m the bane of his existence… which is bad on two levels because of his pretending to be Batman, and the bane of Batman’s existence, who happens to be an evil-doer named Bane (I felt like Bane squared at that point & that’s not good at all). “Alfred is not Batman’s assistant!” Q proclaimed.

            Quentin looked at me and then he let me know in a very stern, matter of fact type voice, “Daddy, Batman’s assistant is Ketchup!”

            “Ketchup?” I asked

            “Ketchup Daddy, like for eating!” he told me.

            Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of this particular condiment. Tomatoes by themselves are alright, but when you throw in some extra sugar and put it in a bottle, that stuff becomes magical. However, the fact that Quentin thought that ketchup was Batman’s assistant, leads me to believe that my son doesn’t know the difference between Batman and a hot dog (and I find that very troubling).

            These are two objects in nature that you’d never see confused for one another. You’d never go to a snack vendor at your favorite stadium and say, “Alright, my family is starving. We haven’t eaten since breakfast and we’ve worked up quite an appetite while rooting for our favorite sports team... get me Batman!”

            Or on the other hand you’d never see Commissioner Gordon on the roof of the Gotham City Police Headquarters saying to Chief O’Hara, “Great Scott! Our fair city is getting puzzled by the Riddler, there’s something fishy going on with the Penguin, the Joker is making a fool of us, Catwoman has us stuck in a tree, and Mr. Freeze has got Gotham on ice… Chief O’Hara… I need a hot dog!"

            Yes, The Adventures of Batman & Ketchup doesn’t have that nice of a ring  to it...but the idea of Batman and Ketchup as the new dynamic duo does grow on you if you give it some time. I could see comic book nerds for decades saying, “Sure, George Clooney was a shitty Batman, but Seth Green was a very convincing Ketchup. I really believed that he was made up of the best ingredients that Heinz 57 had to offer.”

            I’ve realized that no matter who Batman’s real assistant is… Alfred, Robin (or Ketchup for that matter), what’s truly important is that I’m getting to spend time with Quentin… who has become my little assistant. Actually that’s not fair to call him my assistant because we’re both assisting each other. I’m trying to share my life experiences with him and his brother, so I can assist them in becoming strong young men. In return they are assisting me everyday, teaching me to be less selfish and to put their needs first. Thus they’re assisting me in the process of becoming a better man.

            I am very proud to call Quentin my Batman. Also I’m proud to be his Ketchup.

            Being a parent is a lot like playing Batman and Ketchup…it’s a confusing adventure but at the end of the day you’re left with something truly delicious. After 20 minutes of playing Batman and Ketchup we spent the rest of the afternoon eating hot dogs and watching The Original Batman TV Series on DVD (just so he never confuses those two things ever again).  

            I’ll give you more parental progress reports as they happen. So please tune in…

            Same Bat-time.

            Same Bat-Channel.

When Batman needs assistance he reaches for his new side-kick, Ketchup!

www.TheCharlieSpink.com

Twitter: @iSpinkThere4iAm

Charlie's  next scheduled appearance will be at Alfie's Lime Light in Fairfield this Cinco de Mayo, Thursday, May 5, 2016 at 9:00PM at 558 Parker Rd. Fairfield, CA 94533.