The blatant buffoonery of our current presidential election has many of us wondering,"Were our candidates always this awful?"
In a word, "Hell to the No!" (Note: that line should be reread in an extremely sassy voice.)
In honor of Throwback Thursday, here is a somewhat silly/ somewhat scathing piece that I wrote about the 2008 Republican Presidential nominee, Senator John McCain. At the time (2008)I thought that McCain was a crazy old man who made poor decisions (and this was before he chose that half-mentally handicapped hussy as his running mate).
Now with hindsight being 20/20, I realize that McCain was a courageous war hero, who wasn't afraid to cross the isle to get things done. And while I don't regret voting for President Obama in 2008, I would give my left gonad to have McCain running this time around.
Enjoy.
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| Senator McCain (Pictured above) sharing with us his stance on immigration. |
John McCain:
“A Candidate for The Ages”
Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain is trying to run on the platform that he is the “Man with experience.” Even if many of us young people see McCain as being out of touch, it is hard to argue the fact that he has been around the block quite a few times. While some candidates have a lifetime of experience, McCain has had literally lifetimes of experience in elected politics.
Here are five fun facts that you might not have known about the elderly Senator from Arizona.
5. John McCain is the only candidate in this election to have been one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence.
4. As a matter of fact, John McCain was a member of the first Continental Congress. Oh no, not the Continental Congress of the late 1700’s. I’m talking about the Congress that took place thousands of years ago when all of the Continents were still connected. Yes, I'm talking about Pangea. McCain was a member of the Pangean Senate, and all of the continents felt that he was so disagreeable that they decided to break-up and drift apart (literally and literally)
For the record: Senator McCain (who beat out an incumbent woolly mammoth for the position) voted against evolution. As a result, he has refused to evolve throughout his eons of existence and thus has become a fossil.
3. Senator McCain not only remembers the “good old days” he even remembers what happened before them. John also has a first-hand recollection of when there was “Peace in the Middle East.” Jesus actually was “His Homeboy.” (Who do you think wrote the book of John anyway?)
2. McCain batted lead-off and played short-stop for the 1919 Chicago White Sox. He batted .400 and that is the closest that a player has ever come to having his age and batting average match.
And the number one fact that you probably didn’t know about Senator John McCain is…
1. John McCain is the namesake for every bathroom and loveless man on the face of the Earth. Because of what this man has accomplished on the battlefield restrooms from here to Vietnam are called, “The John.”
Let us not forget that “Johns” are also the title given to men who employ prostitutes (possibly because calling them a “William Jefferson Clinton” was a bit too long to remember).
So, hate him or love him: Senator John Sidney McCain has proven to be a candidate for the ages...all of them. The Ice Age, the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages: he has lived through them all.
It appears that this moldy maverick is here to stay. John McCain will never die, literally. He is immortal. He’ll be around forever, or at least until the end of time (which will be sooner rather than later if he wins the White House this November).
