The Adventures of Batman
& Ketchup
By Charlie Spink
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| A New Dynamic Duo? |
Every now and then, I get a little
peek into my children’s psyche, that proves itself to be an involuntary progress
report on how I’m doing as a parent.
Today I had one such moment while I was
hanging with my two-year-old son, Quentin. We had just come back from the park
and I asked him, “Alright Q, what do you want to do?”
Quentin told me “Daddy,
I want to play Batman!” which sounded great to me. I’m always down to fight a little
bit of crime with some tricked-out gadgets… I may not be the Daddy that Gotham
wants, but I’m the Daddy that Gotham needs (Note to reader: Repeat that last line
in the same kind of deeply distorted voice that Batman used in the Dark
Knight trilogy.)
So I asked Quentin, “Which one of us
is going to be Batman?” I was secretly hoping that I’d get to play the caped crusader,
but I knew that Quentin would probably want to call dibs on the lead role
himself, and I was perfectly cool with that.
Quentin said, “I will be Batman, you’re
my assistant.” totally acceptable.
I asked “Okay, so then you want me to be Robin?”
“NOOOOOO!” he says in
a tone and pitch that lets me know that even at two-years-old he is already utterly
offended by my existence. He clearly didn’t think that Robin was Batman’s assistant,
and I immediately thought to myself, “What kind of father doesn’t teach his
two-year-old son that Robin is Batman’s assistant? THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. Not
only would I be a bad Batman, I’m also a bad Daddy. I deserve to get shot down
just like Bruce Wayne’s old man. That would be the only acceptable fate for me
at this point.
Then after a couple seconds of
crippling comic book-related depression, I calmed the heck down. I realized
that the character of Robin really hasn’t been in 4 of the last 5 Batman movies…
So I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Quentin is a child of the new millennium,
and new millennium Batman fans aren’t all that familiar with the Boy Wonder.
So I regrouped and thought to
myself, there is another trusty side-kick that has been prominently featured in
the last few Batman films. Sure he may not kick as much ass as Robin does, but
he does have a great British accent, a brilliant mind for inventions, and he
really knows his way around a feather duster. I’m talking, of course, about
Alfred the butler.
I asked Q, “Oh… okay, so if you don’t
want me to be Robin? Then you must want me to be Alfred? …I’ll be Alfred. (Then in
a bad British accent) Good evening Master Bruce, shall I fetch you some tea, or
maybe some weapons?”
That’s when Q threw me for another
loop. He said, “No Daddy!!!” sounding even more disgusted than he did the first
time. At this point Q is acting like I’m the bane of his existence… which is
bad on two levels because of his pretending to be Batman, and the bane of Batman’s
existence, who happens to be an evil-doer named Bane (I felt like Bane squared at that point &
that’s not good at all). “Alfred is not Batman’s assistant!” Q proclaimed.
Quentin looked at me and then he let
me know in a very stern, matter of fact type voice, “Daddy, Batman’s assistant
is Ketchup!”
“Ketchup?” I asked
“Ketchup Daddy, like for eating!” he
told me.
These are two objects in nature that
you’d never see confused for one another. You’d never go to a snack vendor at
your favorite stadium and say, “Alright, my family is starving. We haven’t
eaten since breakfast and we’ve worked up quite an appetite while rooting for
our favorite sports team... get me Batman!”
Or on the other hand you’d never see
Commissioner Gordon on the roof of the Gotham City Police Headquarters saying
to Chief O’Hara, “Great Scott! Our fair city is getting puzzled by the Riddler,
there’s something fishy going on with the Penguin, the Joker is making a fool
of us, Catwoman has us stuck in a tree, and Mr. Freeze has got Gotham on ice… Chief
O’Hara… I need a hot dog!"
Yes, The Adventures of Batman &
Ketchup doesn’t have that nice of a ring to it...but the idea of Batman and Ketchup as
the new dynamic duo does grow on you if you give it some time. I could see comic
book nerds for decades saying, “Sure, George Clooney was a shitty Batman, but
Seth Green was a very convincing Ketchup. I really believed that he was made up
of the best ingredients that Heinz 57 had to offer.”
I’ve realized that no matter who
Batman’s real assistant is… Alfred, Robin (or Ketchup for that matter), what’s truly important is that I’m getting to spend time with Quentin… who has become
my little assistant. Actually that’s not fair to call him my assistant because we’re
both assisting each other. I’m trying to share my life experiences with him and
his brother, so I can assist them in becoming strong young men. In return they
are assisting me everyday, teaching me to be less selfish and to put their
needs first. Thus they’re assisting me in the process of becoming a better man.
I am very proud to call Quentin my
Batman. Also I’m proud to be his Ketchup.
Being a parent is a lot like playing
Batman and Ketchup…it’s a confusing adventure but at the end of the day you’re
left with something truly delicious. After 20 minutes of playing Batman and
Ketchup we spent the rest of the afternoon eating hot dogs and watching The Original
Batman TV Series on DVD (just so he never confuses those two things ever
again).
I’ll give you more parental progress
reports as they happen. So please tune in…
Same Bat-time.
Same Bat-Channel.
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| When Batman needs assistance he reaches for his new side-kick, Ketchup! |
Twitter: @ iSpinkThere4iAm
Charlie's next scheduled appearance will be at Alfie's Lime Light in Fairfield this Cinco de Mayo, Thursday, May 5, 2016 at 9:00PM at 558 Parker Rd. Fairfield, CA 94533.
